| i was born a ramblin' woman |
[01 Jun 2005|10:20pm] |
I will soon be leaving for a month long odyssey. Bree will be in my car the first couple hundred miles or so, but then it's gonna just be me and the highway/airway for the rest. I got some nice books on tape.
there's just something about traveling, being on the move, that i have always really liked. you enjoy the moment, because you know you won't have it for long, yet always looking forward to the ever evolving future. things unfold, unravel. where you slept yesterday was different than where you slept today which will in turn be different from tomorrow. nothing is ever really a blur, because each moment is distinct, a different color of thread. my summers are always like this. gone for chunks at a time. although i hardly think of it as gone. just not quite in dallas. i don't think i'd have it any other way. a warm summer quilt to weave with each passing year.
i'll be on my own for most of this one. i'll be visiting people, but never for long, and never accompanied. of course until the end when i go on my second month long odyssey with my mom to summer school in oxford. we'll get to visit some folks there as a team. they're all crazy, the brits. i turn into one when i'm over there. i know you'd never believe it.
i'm glad though that i'll be just going from one loving set of arms to another. it always feels like home then. mmmmm.
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[27 May 2005|01:28am] |
is it bad when doors open and lamps turn on, and you don't remember how they got that way?
yesterday my fortune cookie told me this:
things are not what they seem
and everyday i ask myself if i am a good person, but then i ask if i'm the person i want to be and that answer is yes, i think ...but things are not what they seem...
how wonderfully tricky a statement that is
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| wee hour ramblings. |
[08 Jan 2005|02:14am] |
it's funny what words can do to you.
even if you don't even hear them, they are just seen. through a pixellated screen.
what does it mean to be alive?
it seems like everyday there is a new answer. no every minute, every millisecond, every bit of time that has progressed into the unknown.
why should the future be unknown?
why not the past?
fuck logic.
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| ... |
[03 Jan 2005|01:26am] |
i guess this is what i get, isn't it.
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| updation |
[20 Dec 2004|03:04am] |
its so hard to update after you haven't in forever. so i don't know how this is going to turn out.
honestly right now i'm a bit conflicted. so what else is new? everyone is conflicted. so i'll shut up about that.
wow, two really bad starts and now its the third and i'm already making a mess of it. how bout i just say what's happened today:
i woke up (duh, i wouldn't be typing this if i hadn't woken up) and got dressed (duh, i'd be really cold right now if i hadn't done that eventually as well) i went to church. we were a bit late, we had to pick up amp at his friends house and it took some time. church was nice. it was depressing to see the crowd a bit sparse. usually the gathering is a colorful one...but today it seemed a bit...well silvery bare. at least i saw a couple of new couples. but so many others were missing. at least the new ones were gay...i like it when we build color. kicks the man in the crotch basically. the service was not at its peaking performance level however. afterward it was lunch at cindi's deli with the grandparents. what a bundle of smiles and laughs and joy they are. and then our dysfunctionality as my parents and my brother and i encroach on their purity, and i feel guilty and evil and wrong. i have no right to take away a bit of that golden honey lifeforce that just pores from them. but i feel like we do and tamper and temper and darken. but their love is one that never grows weary, no matter how many seemingly disappointing things have been said. so i guess i'll take comfort in that. after lunch it was to grandmothers house we went and there was caleb and his father, my uncle, to my surprise. and i was greeted by one of the best hugs i had endured in quite some time. very revitalizing. and then amp and him and i went out to play frizbee, then progress to recovering bits of random trash in the street and using these pieces as baseball game equipment. so it was really a punctured volleyball with fence-wood game. we were doing fine until amp called me a sexist name when i hit the ball poorly once out of a million times. and i confronted him about it and he still kept doing it...so i went inside, i had enough. caleb got mad needless to say. it just exponentiated from there. i like caleb's love like i do my grandparents. ever flowing agape. yay. the car ride home was awful though. amp and i couldn't solve any problems between the two of us. and then i was so glad to be home and shower off the icky confrontation. and then i watched the godfather of all things. i'm a little embarrassed of the pre-conscious's reasons why, so i wont say. i guess that puts them into the conscious. and then it was time to go to the christmas party. how strange it was! i arrived, many more adults i had no idea of than usual. so many food items. but caleb was acting weird and he had his 21 year old friend that everyone except me swore was trying to talk to me. at least the few people there that i was talking too. it was really strange. i felt unlike myself. unsociable with the adults. not normal for me. i did not turn on my charms. i felt like the misunderstood unsocial scientist calculating stooooopid random things in her head. a nerd. a geek or sorts. oh well. after the part my parents had dropped me off at bryans who asked to finish last nights talisman game. except we didn't. not for a really long time. first the guys tormented the poor dominoes people. and then i forget what happened exactly. i think i got bored because i did. and then more people showed up. and then more interesting things began to happen. like a restarting of the talisman game and a watching of a heman movie, oh so hilarious. i felt so unsocial for most of todays activities. from church until the end. i wasn't wanting to talk more than normal. i didn't want to be charming. eek, i don't know what my freaking problem was. i felt rather stick in the muddish. like i knew what i was doing wasn't making people want to hang out with me much more, but i still didn't want to do anything about it. oh it wasn't that bad really. more of an on the inside feeling fairly masked over, but i think certain people could tell, and i hope they it doesn't make them think twice on my future funness. ah, do i care? oh wait yes, of course i do. cause i care about those people whether i like it or not, cause i'm a silly dork. and i'm not going to talk about it anymore.
gosh i sound depressed, perhaps i momentarily am.
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| yes, that's right |
[16 Jul 2004|02:11am] |
i am spiderman.
its okay.
you don't have to make such a big deal.
i know you thought it was toby. i mean peter parker.
i know you don't think a woman could actually stop a train as it pummels toward a dead end.
but that just shows you, doesn't it.
because spiderman is actually spideryounglady.
and spideryounglady don't take no crap from no one.
but she must conceal her true identity.
by wearing a mask of peter parker resembling actor toby maguire or however the heck you spell anything that was just typed.
that way all the people that she truly loves will be free from harm.
oh gosh-darn! foiled again by my eagerness to confide is something!
too bad we weren't all blinded by the cute little sun that was created by doc ock.
good thing he could somehow drown a sun in the harbor.
because everyone knows that to stop a electromagnetic wave induced fusion reaction, we must drown it in a little thing i like to call a-h-two-oh.
yeah
that's right
i know what water is made of
that is why you all must believe now that i am the physio/psychological genius of spideryounglady.
unless your name is green goblin (imagine me rolling the r in that for awhile)
in that case, mr gobby, i am still peter parker.
and when you all the sudden reappear as your son's father's ghost, don't you dare do some weird psychocraziness on spideryounglady's nemesis' brain like you have in the last two movies.
because no one likes an off his rocker wacko
and poor harry's brain had been messed with so many times.
you could let him get through a sequel in peace.
athankyou.
courtesy, your friendly neighborhood spideryounglady.
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| thhhh |
[31 May 2004|03:30pm] |
it's really not the best time for me to update, i don't have a clear order of thoughts. i'm not an emotional mess, but i feel a flutter of fingers quick for the draw. (i've just seen an old western, forgive me)
May was a gleaming blur from beginning to end. Shows, award breakfasts, luncheons, banquets, rehearsals, teas, la-ti-da get-togethers, and highly expensive shabangs seemed a neverending whirlwind that came to a long awaited halt after graduation. Now that school has ended i've actually been able to do some reading, who would of thought to give teenagers some free time to explore their own intellectual interests? However, i'm seriously overdue for some exercise. It takes bucketfulls of breath to top stairs and some of my more favorite meals have included six chocolate chip cookies and a handfull of cereal.
err, i'll get back on later and finish, i've just thought of something.
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| ohkaeh so hers tha deel |
[01 Apr 2004|10:16pm] |
it looks like somethings happened that i nor anyone else in my life (if they're telling the truth)has counted on, my acceptance to only one college; what's that you ask?, well let's read the list...
harvard - ah, no
mit - ah, no
stanford - nope
rice - waiting list, or as my dad slipped, fucking waiting list, i thought that was funny, seriously
yale - i don't know, but after viewing previous list, i think not
naval academy - ive decided against and I'm canceling my application
UT - affirmative, all systems go
this is something that i haven't thought of in much detail, life at UT, but the more i think about it the more i'm falling in love with it. the mere range of activity that i can get involved in down there is phenomenal. if i'm interested in anything at all, extracurric or academical, i can find it or fix it up myself. and there are so many people. so much to do. such a scene austin is. and i'll have much more of a classical "collegey" type experience that most kids go through. i'm excited.
i was also thinking this is God's way of telling me exactly what to do. God planted that seed in my brain to apply to the most competitive schools in the nation and UT. God led me to put some weirdish stuff in my applications that probably didn't help the whole admissions process. and i think God is now finally getting around to telling me that i need to go to Austin and become a rock star, or movie score composer, or heck something that austin has to offer that none of the other places did. I'm really excited at my life's new turn in direction. its finally taking shape after so long of hazy blur.
the difficult part now is to jump in there and figure out exactly where i'm going to live. and since i didn't realize there was all this extra stuff because i didn't research UT that much, i didn't realize all this honors stuff and scholarships and extra this and that that i am possibly missing out on. but that's all the Big Guy's plan too. I'm so feeling along for the ride at the moment, with my no decision for college deal situation. i just go where the letters send me. and everything's pointing down south, where its warm...ahehe
i don't sound too well in my speech tonight but i've been going nonstop all week and its not slowing down tomorrow at the paper presentations in stevenville tomorrow either. hopefully they'll be more than one person to present to. that would be really sad. but the past couple of weeks has totally made me a believer in "life doesn't always go as you plan" motto. but not always going to plan, in many cases including this one, isn't always a negative, but very very good. cause You Know Who said It was good.
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| zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
[15 Mar 2004|08:32pm] |
i'm back from havay'ie
but this for some weird reason is the worst jet lag i've ever had, the time difference is only four hours, but that's the weirdest change. this is my second day in a row with out sleeping, excepting the maybe 30 minutes i got on the airplane, i really had trouble because i was supposed to sleep during my peak time: 11:30 PM
i think thirty minutes is stretching it, i was lucky to get 15.
so right after school i collapsed and my mom called coach to say i couldn't make it to tennis. tennis required being awake. but i did make it to choir at 0645 which i honestly thought started at 0645 but really started at 0630. shows how awake i was today. well i was awake and quite hyper/simplesey at lunch and fourth. and first kinda. it really was a fun day in a way by the bay c'mon lets play. but jessica wasn't there, that was sad. and bryan seemed kinda sad. that was sad too. or maybe i'm being oversensitive. but honestly it might be something about megan and him not working quite to plan. but anyway jessica not being at school today is definitely a fact. i plan on giving her a shell.
you know what, my head is swarming and i'll update about havay'ie later along with other stuff that pops into my brains because grammar is my friend and i can really talk good now thank you i'm out.
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| pre-snack/game sarah on a friday afternoon |
[20 Feb 2004|04:57pm] |
S:2 A:2 R:2 H:2 O:1 L:3 M:2 E:2 I:1
My letter ratios.
interesting
i have 17 letters in my entire name consisting of only 9 kinds of letters. only two are used once, that's o and i, and then all the rest are used twice excluding l which is used three times. and according to this alphabet thingy that's going around, it means i am most concerned about love. aint that the truth.
so i'll talk about people now. nice things mainly, of course, but that's what i'm most concerned about usually anyway. nice things about people. so lets see, things that stuck out today to me...
i love to see people totally clueless about the dance. like today eric b asked me what all the shirts were for, and i told him. ah, so yeah, thats all interesting. and ben is working hard on this map of an unknown land creation in his fantasy soaked brain. I asked him what he was going to do with it. and he didn't know, which is what i expected him to say. but it would of been nice to hear of plans of stories or characters or races and clans and whatnot. when i made maps a while ago, they were always treasure maps. i used to be alot more obsessed with treasure than i am now. its interesting also to hear bryan and mitch talk about their post-favorites plans. like they're going to separate themselves from the rest of the group and go back to bryan's place with farcical plans of making moves and the regeneration of makeout rooms and whatnot. i can't see it happening. i'll be glad when all this favorites nonsense is over. and today jessica and i got in a weird, quite humorous tiff actually about what i should do to myself to get ready. like how i should have a black-ribbon bow-tie choker. she was unflinching in her feelings that i should wear one. and here are some examples of why theres no way i want to:
1. it is not something i have already
a. i would have to buy it
i. i don't want to spend anymore stupid money
ii. finding one would take alot of time, and be almost impossible
b. or i would have to make it
i. time
ii. money
2. chokers annoy me, i don't like pieces of fabric close around my neck (that's why i don't wear turtlenecks)
3. it would break my neckline, and this being the first time i have a strap-less dress, i was looking forward to a seamless neck to shoulder line.
4. it actually seemed alittle too obvious, it would match these little bows i have on the sides of my dress and would scream "oh look how cool i am wearing a bow tie with a dress" move, i'm not interested in that kind of attention.
5. i keep picturing myself looking like a playboy bunny with it.
so anyways, i'm sorry jessica, i really would never do something like that. i'm sorry you also think that i don't put enough effort into my appearance. that you think i'm gonna look terrible because i don't have excess accessories and junk. but i really don't think that's my problem.
bree and i are not-getting-our-hair/makeup/nails-done buddies. i enjoy just gettin' myself ready anyway, and being creative with what i have. well, minus the dress. i guess dress shopping is one very hard thing to avoid since making one is so much harder nowadays then shopping for one.
it'll be nice to see micheal. he's nice.
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| bibles |
[16 Feb 2004|01:14am] |
this day began, consisted, and ended with bibles.
i would like to talk about people in here. how much i like them and everything. but i'm afraid i think i might say something offensive, and you never know when people are enjoying reading about themselves, or would rather just not be brought up at all. so i might refrain for the moment until i give it more thought.
so i'll indulge in talking about myself, because its easy and i won't be personally offending anyone, so either read on if you're really bored or if you like to pry into other peoples thoughts (hey, what am i saying? this is livejournal) but most people will probably skim the first couple of lines, yawn, and click onto something else.
and i'm feeling more and more distant from that spiritual side of myself that i enjoy getting lost in, well at least every once in awhile. and i found myself saying "i just want to kill someone" several times at the lan party. even though i mean the pixelized people, i still feel oddly unnerved about it all the sudden. i'm thinking much of recent events are dulling my sensitivity in general, and i'm getting kind of meaner when i'm on cruise control, but then when i'm actually concentrating i'm too sensitive and care too much about people, places, and things that don't reciprocate, and i'm actually okay about it all. i enjoy a kind of separated but extremely involved from afar viewpoint lately. although i am loosing some patience. especially with people doing things i consider dumb, ignorant, or just generally tiresome. and yeah, so what else is new. actually this is. i'm usually really understanding about things. i don't want to hate, i don't want to get antsy in my pantsy, or scream at people, although i've been doing a bit of it lately, but i think i'm just finally going through some teenagerey phases. its about time.
except today there was a time around 12:45 that i was seriously considering dropping everything and becoming a woman wannabe Jesus. walking around barefoot telling parables and getting pissed off when people don't pay my Father respect and loving everyone no matter what they do. if only. and oh the irony. our focus today at a CHRISTian youth group was actually JESUS. and they played a preview for the passion movie. and i suddenly lost my thoughts on becoming a Jesus wannabe type, wiped clean from my forward lobes until this time where things get jiggled out, like lent filled pockets. but see, i lost my passion with the passion because it brings things into focus. we're just supposed to live. and do our own little thing. and love. and be love-based. if it suits you. and sum and substance of the sort. you know its just one of those days where multiple things make you look down and shake your head in shame for the whole human race.
when i find myself in times of trouble. ah maria. i guess i'll let it be.
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| zippity doo-dah |
[12 Feb 2004|05:40pm] |
I've been all over the place lately. I honestly apologize to everyone I've been weird to. I am just trying to figure out some things. I know, I have no excuse. Everyone else has just as much on their mind as me, and whenever I get messed up over my stupid problems, it's only for about 30 seconds, because then i get messed up over the world's and I can't stop feeling very bad and sad about all of mankind's atrocities as a whole. it's really stupid. because there is so much beauty out there. and i'm getting better. hopefully it won't last for much longer. i think alot of my mood has to do with the prospects of love in my life. i'm love-based. i wish i wasn't. it makes me weak. but will-power mixed with self-awareness is strength. and i'll only keep getting stronger. Maybe. or at least i want to. maybe that's enough. but it's not. i'm too fickle.
and then low and behold there was great irony. so i'm a finalist for most likely to succeed, yet i'm unsuccessful in finding a date for the stupid dance. my options are running very close to empty. the little red light has been blinking for about a week or so, and its about to burn a whole in my heart. because, remember, i'm love-based, and its all a slap in the face.
but there's still hope. still options are left. and if all things end in me not having a date, i'll steal someone else's for a minute to escort me across the stage for my moment of great losership, because there's no way i can win against mary and elena and megan. that's tough comp.
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| VAIO...the system is up |
[01 Feb 2004|12:11am] |
THE WEEKEND THUS FAR...
Friday night, a bundle of sexual frustrations complete with eclectic group, soundtracks for life, and longing for others not without/within reach, yet still unpresent, for that is a word. And then sweet saturday. i woke up tired. soon followed understanding. soon followed confusion. soon followed annoyance. grumpiness. sadness. aloneness. honestly. and then i got kind of hungry. then excitement. contentment. after band practice came installing of new computers new programs. and campaigns. and victory! waiting for goDOT was lovely, despite what vladimir and gogo had to say about it. benica and thomas enjoyed it aswell. our night was artful indulgement with thai spicing and an enjoyable failed attempt at a party. at least i enjoyed it. i like people when they're drunk yet unoffensive and not operating heavy machinery. and i finally got to play some pool, which brad soon stopped with his unavoidably mesmerizing charms, charming the other player mullins of course, not me. i am not a man. or a gay man at that. would life be easier if i was gay? no. not at all.
so the wheels of fortune and probability keep spinning. round and round. but are they perpendicular to or parallel to the ground. is the ground parallel to you. am i parallel to you? who are you? i swear i didn't intake any alien substances. but jessica and ben kept asking me if i did. I DIDN'T! CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY!!?? no. never.
because i'm never just happy. im either happy and bewildered. or happy and knowing. or happy and disgusted. and you get the picture. i can't just be happy. but i'm never artificially happy. ever. i'm happy because my body's own natural processes tell me to be. i like it best that way. its most enjoyable that way. that way i can tell when i'm really in love. with the world. with the word. with the ord. or. r. rrrrrr.
go hang a salami, i'm a lasagna hog.
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| medium rare |
[27 Jan 2004|10:59pm] |
i've been in a folk music mood lately. like great american heartland...err...land of the hearts...uh...breadbasket kind of stuff. like banjos and fiddlin' and good ol' pluckin' geetars. and maybe those little pickle buckets flipped over with the broom through 'em sos you can tie your plunky string 'cross it as a bass. yeah. i know. calling all jeff foxworthies, here's your grade A, fresh-of-the-grill neck. at least my hair covers it up.
but haven't you ever been in the mood for some real good shenandoah or man of constant sorrow? well hot damn! i sure as hell am! yeeeehaw!
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| manifest destiny |
[25 Jan 2004|02:55pm] |
considering the recent success of my last journal entry and the shift of controversy to the reasons/repercussions of the war in iraq, i thought i'd move that on over to its own thread. I know it's touchy and i don't expect as much response because i know people are getting exhausted by it, but i still would love to hear what you have to say about it.
iraq- a vision, glorious future, a new land of the home of the free and the brave. because, we know exactly what is good for a nation that has been there thrice over the time ours has. even if we haven't got everything sorted out for them, we have money! we have power! they'll sit there at our heals until we finally come up with a plan to clean off the mess we poured on them. because we have the superior economy! we have to be smarter! survival and prominence of the fittest right!? obviously we're superior, we've got divine right!? is it just me or does this whole mess sound a lot like imperialism? uh, did i sleep through dr. b's class, or did that not exactly work too well?
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| how about we think |
[20 Jan 2004|11:17pm] |
i commented on one of my friend's journal entries that i think many of you don't know, so i wanted to post it here just in case you might like to read it as well. it's about the state of the union address which aired tonight. and although i'm not gay, and so i'm not really speaking for myself, which makes it a little awkward, its okay because during civil rights some white people had to speak for the black people as well. here it is anyway:
i liked the sleeping girl as well. i liked that a lot.
and i think that gay marriages aren't hurting anybody. i think national proposals against them are big time suppression. but this type of thing isn't new. people have been suppressing other people to make themselves feel superior since this country was formed. and popular moral and social opinion was always against them at the time. it makes me sad. especially since of all the gay people i know, most of them are much better human beings than most of the strait people i know. its a shame, these useless perpetuations. hate. fear. jesus never said anything negative about gays. ever. and where it forbids it in the bible is the same place where it says women need to go sit in a red colored tent for a week while they are menstruating. and that slavery is OK under certain circumstances. we've realized that some of this stuff was just hebrew culture at that time period and not necessarily God-sent. but when will we realize that we cannot pick and choose. either we're all damned or we're all damned or we're all damned.
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| there's a hole in my boob, but not in my bucket |
[19 Jan 2004|07:24pm] |
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i'm so happy. i have a ping pong table in my garage and a refrigerator full of root beer. well, i guess i'm almost completely happy. i can't exactly play ping pong yet because my chest. but the day will come. and the sun will rise. and at my current rate of snappy recovery, i will undoubtedly be playing ping pong by the weeks end. it wasn't even my idea this table that bares the name (s)tiga. my dad and brother cleaned out the garage, bought it, and surprised me with it, and i sat there "quality control" delegating to my brother and father as they started off puting on somethings backward, so i helped. and bryan called with prospects of board games so with his arrival he helped as well. the table wouldn't have flipped rightside up without him. and so he came bearing oatmeal cookies, games, manpower, and personal ping pong paddle. and they all proceeded to ping it up as i cheered on from the side. and we played some most excellent apollo 13 with late arrival mitch. that was yesterday. the day before thomas and adam and merila came to whisk me to the DMA which is maybe my, hmmm, 11th home? something like that. and then we met up with blakemus maximus (i'm not going to call him something you find in your kitchen drawer) and benica. so after a complete vegetarian cosmo cuisine filling of the bellies we all kind of dispersed until i was left with benica holding itself on the floor as we watched being john malkovich, complements of thom, which is a most excellent movie. today he came over to retrieve it along with giving me back some 20 dollars he owed me and he got to do a bit of pinging. he told me what happened after he left my house saturday. lets just say i was glad i didn't go with them. i'm jumping all over the weekend. heck. well lets go back to friday for the first time. an early morning proceeded by sticky needles and horrible fear followed closely by warm drugs which induce beautiful philanthropic feelings and white sleep. but as the anesthesia wore off i got sorer and sadder, proceeded by a total flip of emotions with the arrival of annie, steve, jessica, mitch, and smiling bryan. they helped to excite me out of my bed into my wheelchair and down the elevator into my car where i waved goodbye and had daddy-hand-picked movies including drumline and freaky friday. i like what he thinks i'd like. but it did ease the spirits and i had a whole weekend ahead of me of friends and fine art and fellowship. so i'll to sup for it calls.
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| pink tux to the prom |
[12 Jan 2004|10:09pm] |
my aunt miss mary (famous/infamous) is spending the night today and tomorrow. she is the great horse lady from mis-sippih. that's how you must say it to be a true southern. ha. everyone take note as i make my attempts at lessons in southern culture. i know that at least, and then yankees put too much sugar in corn bread. well, i might know a few other things deep south wise. but lets leave those unrecognized.
so tomorrow i go to the nasher, or masher, or crusher or something like that museum tomorrow and then we make a stop by the DMA which I can't get enough of. so i am going to miss all of you that are not going which are just a few art nerds like me. gosh, that means only two more days of school school before friday when i'm missing because i will be under general anesthesia. too bad that stuff only makes you weird right before you go to sleep and when you wake up, because i bet i would have some really freaky dreams. What I think of when I am awake is weird enough. people are so weird period. wonderful. beautiful. round of applause.
stairway's coming along. i think a few more days and it will be perfected flow-wise. you know, i can learn a piece of music (piano, guitar, drums, voice, etc.) and even if i don't practice it for a week, i still will be able to play it better later just because it has soaked into my synaptic patterns and the brains of my fingers. crazy crazy. i've recently revisited about 10 mozart/bach/beethoven pieces i hadn't played for about two years and i'm playing better than i ever remember, well once i get warmed up. i suck hard for about 10 minutes, then it's a beautiful exponential curve to the sky. it may just be this whole personal musical renaissance i've been going through lately. i guess its the pending doom of a unusable right arm for a couple of weeks. sigh. i've got to stop thinking about that. but horah. blake just said hes going to get people to come visit. i will definitely be looking forward to that.
eeeeeeeeeecccccccooooooooooonomics.
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| with a word she can get what she came for |
[11 Jan 2004|07:44pm] |
i now am a complete person. i have just spent the better part of my day learning stairway to heaven by request from my cousin. it was surprisingly a non-frustrating experience. the music just flowed from the page to the eyes to the brain to the fingers to the strings through the pick-ups through the chord and out of the amp, warping my soul around it the whole time into an upward, majestic beauty. that song does things to me.
i am just kidding, i still do not feel complete. or well, it depends on how i am defining complete. i guess i always have, always will be complete. but then i never will. and then theres the other kind of complete when you find your soul mate. i honestly do not know which i am talking about, nor do i even know what i want. ok. i've just lost myself in definitions again. i do that frequently.
the weekend was successful i do believe. hopefully jessica isn't hating me for "ditching" her and ben last night, but you know what, why sould i be a third party on what would of turned out to be their date, because bryan was not going to go to a movie without eating, and ben was definitely set on seeing a movie at 7. so i am not sorry for anything, i did what made sense. i went out with all those guys that i haven't spent much time with in a while and had some good clean fun.
there are still some things hanging over me though. somethings that only certain things will remedy. until the day they are though i'm going to feel a different kind of incomplete than any of the others i was talking about before. blah. isn't that one great thing that people search for...feeling complete, feeling whole. I hope I am strong enough to give all that to God, if religion isn't something man has come up with to feel complete. Religion could be created by man, but there is one thing that's not, and that's spirituality. A spirit is something true and real whether man likes it or not.
and she's buying her stairway to heaven.
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| for everything there is a season |
[06 Jan 2004|06:33pm] |
so school went well, don't you think? that's rhetorical, no negative answers to that. yes, i mean you.
The date is set. I will be having surgery number two not this friday but the next. Let's see, that's the sixteenth. Hopefully then everything will be healed enough for Venture rock climbing, but if not, I've missed it before because of the same thing and I'll just be happy things went well, hopefully. Gosh, I'm trying hard to be positive about it, but I really am just scared. Always scared. Scared of drowning before I get my floaties together. Before I get my life together. And then I'll loose control again and, well, loose. And I want to be a winner. Like those little stickers your 2nd grade teacher used to put on your striped orange t-shirt during your elementary days. And you'd be so proud of your winner sticker until you quickly forgot about it and it maybe fell off during a fort attack at recess. I want to be 8 again where you never came home without at least two or three rocks in your shoe, and when you washed your hands after the day, dirt came off in the sink and splashed muckledy brown on the white porcelain. And everyone smelled like outside and little kid and it was great. Before puberty hit when everything started smelling like rotten eggs or putrid onions.
I guess its time for us to come of age though. Seasons for everything. Blah blah blah.
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scarita23's journal